Coffee Heresies

This made me laugh: Ben Witherington posted a list comparing type of coffee drinks to historical heresies in Christian Theology.  From Orthodoxy on Coffee:

Your local coffeehouse may be a hotbed of heresy. Check the following list and see how yours measures up.

Decaf is Docetic because it only appears to be coffee.
Instant is Apollinarian because it’s had its soul removed and replaced.
Frappuccinos are essentially a form of Monophysitism, having their coffee nature swallowed up in milkshake.
Chicory is Arian, not truly coffee at all but a separate creation.
Irish coffee is Nestorian, being two natures conjoined solely by good will.
Nitro coffee (coffee + Red Bull) is Montanist, having a form of godliness but denying its power.
Affogato is Adoptionist, being merely topped with espresso.
The Café Bombón is Sabellian, appearing at some points to be foam, at others coffee and at others sweetened condensed milk.
The Caffè Americano is a form of Unitarian Universalism, being so watered down so as not even to qualify as coffee.
The Café miel violates Canon 57 of the Council in Trullo, “for it is not right to offer honey and milk” in one’s coffee.
The Cafe Mocha (espresso + steamed milk + chocolate) is syncretic and polytheist, for it presumes to adulterate coffee with another nation’s gods.
The Doppio (espresso + espresso) is Monothelite, permitting only one will to dominate.
WHAT IS AN EGGNOG LATTE I DON’T EVEN.
Half-Caf is another form of Adoptionism, being a hybrid of disparate natures.
The Pharisäer (drip coffee + 2 shots rum + whipped cream) is nothing but sheer Antinomianism.
The Red Eye (drip coffee + 1 shot espresso) is Ebionite, for it would swallow up pure faith in the Law.
A rigorist exclusivism for Fair Trade Coffee is a form of Donatism, insisting that only sinless hands may produce a true beverage.
“Coffee is bad for you”: The watchwords of the Iconoclast.
The fellow who just keeps adding sugar to his over-roasted Pike’s Peak is surely a Pelagian.

Here endeth the caffeination. Ite, caffe est.

If you don't recognize most of the heresies go study some historical theology. If you don't recognize the names of the drinks, go study your coffees!

Glad to Be a Heretic

What is the greatest Protestant heresy (according to the Catholic Church)? Justification by faith? Sola Scriptura? Guess again. From Sinclair Fergusan:

Let us begin with a church history exam question. Cardinal Robert Bellarmine (1542– 1621) was a figure not to be taken lightly. He was Pope Clement VIII’s personal theologian and one of the most able figures in the Counter-Reformation movement within sixteenth-century Roman Catholicism. On one occasion, he wrote: “The greatest of all Protestant heresies is _______ .” Complete, explain, and discuss Bellarmine’s statement.

How would you answer? What is the greatest of all Protestant heresies? Perhaps justification by faith? Perhaps Scripture alone, or one of the other Reformation watchwords?

Those answers make logical sense. But none of them completes Bellarmine’s sentence. What he wrote was: “The greatest of all Protestant heresies is assurance.”

If this is heresy, then I am a grateful heretic! Read it all at the link.

Heretical Steps

Seven steps to becoming a heretic

(but if you really want to become one, you can probably do it without any help).
 

.

Tugging Hard

“Throughout American history, the most successful church movements have not been the ones that kept up with contemporary culture, but the ones that were confident enough to tug hard against it.”

                   -Russell Moore

Hat Tip: Tim Challies

Saturday Night Linkapalooza

More links form my internet meanderings:

Who Will Thank You in Heaven?

Heresy and a Call for Humility

What to Say and Not Say to Victims of Sexual Abuse

Where TULIP Goes Wrong

The real Meaning of Mark 11:22-23 (It's not what Joel Osteen says)

You Might Have Been Raised Charismatic If...

What is the Gospel?

How Google tracks You on the Internet

Old is New

"The old, old gospel is the newest thing in the world; in its very essence it is for ever good news. In the things of God the old is ever new, and if any man brings forward that which seems to be new doctrine and new truth, it is soon perceived that the new dogma is only worn-out heresy dexterously repaired, and the discovery in theology is the digging up of a carcase of error which had better have been left to rot in oblivion."

- C.H. Spurgeon

Hat Tip:  Kingdom People

The Harold Camping Follies (Continued)

Based on this latest update post from Robert Godfrey, I must conclude that Mr. Harold Camping (the end of the world on May 21, 2011 billboard guy) is even more off the theological reservation than I had earlier thought. Please see The End of the World According to Harold Camping (Part 5) by W. Robert Godfrey at Ligonier Ministries Blog. I knew Camping was off in his date setting for the judgment day, as well as his wacky numerology approach to interpreting the Scriptures. However, I did not  know that he is also teaching non-evangelical things about salvation and the nature of God. Godfrey concludes:

"Camping’s presentation of God’s mercy is from beginning to end unbiblical and unchristian. He has no Trinity, no cross, no faith alone in Jesus alone, and no assurance. His vision of God and mercy is more Muslim than Christian. If Camping still believes in the Trinity, in Jesus and his cross, and in justification by faith alone, then his recent teaching shows that he is a failure as a teacher of the Gospel and his call to repentance lacks enough content for sinners to find salvation in Jesus."

I suggest that everyone should avoid Camping and his teachings like a spiritual plague!

History of Heresy - A Book review

I recently read the newest book by Alister Mcgrath, Heresy: A History of Defending the Truth. Here's a link to a very good summary and review of the book by Kevin DeYoung,who says:

"Heresy, says McGrath, has been “sprinkled with stardust” because a (largely mistaken) notion of heresy fits the cultural mood (p. 1). Orthodoxy is thought to be pedestrian and reactionary, nothing more than the theology of the conquerors, who, no doubt, oppressed those whom they arbitrarily deemed heterodox. Heresy, on the other hand, is exciting and liberating, a subversion of authoritarianism and a vindication for victims of the past. The accomplishment of this book is that McGrath patiently demonstrates that this assumed narrative is terrifically misguided. Heretics were sometimes more patriarchal, more ascetic, and more authoritarian than their orthodox rivals. The good guys weren’t always so bad, and the bad guys weren’t always that good. Somebody tell Dan Brown."

I recommend the book.

Are You A Heretic?

Are you a Heretic? Michael Patton want to help you answer that question. See his blog post entitled Crossing the Heretical Line.

By his definition, I think I am safe. But one never knows!

Episcopal Bishop Calls Individual Salvation ‘Heresy’ and ‘Idolatry’

Once a denomination starts down the path to unbelief and rejection of the authority of Scripture, apparently there is no bottom. Get this - Episcopal Bishop Calls Individual Salvation ‘Heresy’ and ‘Idolatry’

ANAHEIM, CA – Episcopal Presiding Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori says it’s "heresy" to teach that an individual can be saved through a sinner’s prayer of repentance. Here are some comments that Bishop Schori made at the opening of the Episcopal General Conference on Wednesday:

"the great Western heresy: that we can be saved as individuals, that any of us alone can be in right relationship with God."

"…caricatured in some quarters by insisting that salvation depends on reciting a specific verbal formula about Jesus."

"That individualist focus is a form of idolatry, for it puts me and my words in the place that only God can occupy."

So, I guess salvation is now found in social work and liberal causes? No wonder so many believing Anglicans are jumping from that sinking ship (The Episcopal Church) and boarding the ark of the new North American Anglican group. God save us!

Update: IMonk comments