Emotional Health

Most men have issues with friendship and intimacy. Darrin Patrick says the reason is lack of emotional health, and has some helpful advice in The Magic Formula for Manhood:

Intimacy is a dirty word to most guys, unless it is codeword for sex. In fact, most guys would struggle to define intimacy with a woman apart from sex. Then we read in the Bible that we are to have intimacy with other dudes:

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” (John 13:34)

“Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” (Romans 12:10)

“Having purified your souls by obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart,” (1 Peter 1:22)

But despite our trepidation, intimate relationships with men are vital for our flourishing as men. The Grant Study, one of the longest longitudinal studies of male development in history (75 years!) has shown that body type, birth order, political affiliation, and even social class are nowhere near as accurate in determining how men will fare in life.

New York Times columnist David Brooks summarizes the findings. “In case after case,” he writes, “the magic formula is capacity for intimacy combined with persistence, discipline, order and dependability. The men who could be affectionate about people and organized about things had very enjoyable lives.”

To put it even more simply: the secret to true manhood is emotional health.

There are a number of different elements to emotional health, but with regards to relationships, it’s about the ability to know and be known.

Sadly, most guys have zero vision for how to be emotionally healthy. We have few models of affectionate men who are still strong. There aren’t many who feel things deeply without allowing their emotions to drive their lives. So we really don’t know what to do with our emotions or even how to talk about them. And frankly, most guys just don’t want to talk about their emotions. This kind of intimacy feels feminine and seems both time-consuming and inefficient.

But let’s think through the alternative: Men who can’t open up to other men about the inner world of their struggles, fears, hopes, and dreams are neither challenged or celebrated. They’re only condemned by their own voice (that is, if they haven’t become numb and apathetic entirely). Men who harbor this condemnation within are always trying to prove themselves on the outside. But there’s nothing to anchor their masculine identities. They spend countless hours trying to cover over their shame and weaknesses, constantly running around in predictable and destructive behaviors. Does this sound any less time-consuming or inefficient?

What if you pursued one guy who is a bit older than you, a guy who is around your age, and another guy who is younger than you?

Make sure that you respect all of these guys, or the whole thing will fall apart. From the older man, ask for mentoring and the “trade secrets” on becoming a good man. From the peer, ask for relationship by doing some hobbies together or by getting your families together. From the younger man, ask how you can be helpful to him.

In so doing, you are simultaneously putting yourself in the place of a son, a brother, and a dad. Intimacy will follow men who settle in to these three roles.

When the Light Goes Out

This piece by Mike Leake may help those of us who do not suffer from depression to understand what it is like for those who do - Preparing For When The Light Goes Out:

I’ve shared in the past that I struggle with depression, discouragement, or if you’re feeling extra Elizabethan “fits of melancholy”. I loathe these times.

I know what it is like to live in the enjoyment of what Christ has purchased. I know what it is like to be “on fire for the Lord”. In these times I figure I see things rather clearly. I see gospel metaphors everywhere. I see the beauty of Jesus all around me. In these times I am feasting on the goodness and greatness of God. I cherish these times.

But then for some unknown (at least to me) reason the lights go out. Sometimes it is because of a stupid choice. Sometimes it is personal sin. Occasionally it will be circumstances. But many times I just wake up discouraged and I cannot seem to shake it. My head feels fuzzy, my body feels tired, my affections feel cold.

When the Light Goes Out

In these times it is as if I find myself in a really dark room where all the things that I know are real appear much different than they really are. You know that feeling that you had when you were a child and as soon as the lights went out the trees outside your window turn into monsters with long dangly arms, the dresser becomes a giant blob of death, your wardrobe is Frankenstein, and your toy chest is now a portal to the depths of the underworld. That’s what real life feels like to me sometimes.

My wife’s expression which a day before would have been rightly interpreted as love is now interpreted as disdain. The harmless jokes from my friends which I would have laughed at yesterday are now darts that rip at the very fiber of my identity. The sin that I could have dealt with yesterday, seeing it rightly covered by the blood of Christ, now seems insurmountable. The confidence that I had yesterday, the passion for writing, preaching, studying, etc. to make Christ the only boast of this generation now turns on me and convinces me that any work I do will probably bring shame upon the risen Lord. The open arms of Jesus that yesterday seemed like an invitation for loving embrace now seem like that grappling position that wrestlers have before one is thrown down to the mat.

I know my eyes (perhaps, more so my heart) are playing tricks on me. I know that any wrestling Jesus does is for my good. I know my wife loves me, my friends respect me, God uses me, and His blood is sufficient for even my thoughts in this darkness. I know that. But yet that tree sure does look like a monster.

Your counsel to me might very well be “just go turn on the lights”. I can’t. Maybe because I can’t get myself out of bed for fear that the darkness will swallow me. Maybe I can’t because for some reason the light switch is broken. Maybe I’m so disoriented that I am not even sure where the light switch is anymore. It seems as if I am in these moments at the mercy of the dawn. When morning comes then I’ll see again.

Making the Nights Better

I have not given up trying to make the night go away. Though, I’ve somewhat come to grips with the fact that this may very well be my “thorn”, my “weakness”, that the Lord will choose to show His strength through. As for now, I’m in that in between spot where I am trying to find a way to “boast in my weakness” but fight it with all the vigor I have with weaponry of Christ.

One way that I have learned to fight the darkness is to take advantage of the daytime. In those times when the lights are on I cannot throw my time away on trivial junk (though I often do). In these moments I need to prepare for the darkness. The more I become convinced of reality when the lights are on the easier it is to tell a dragon from a jukebox when the lights are out.

This is one reason why I rehearse the gospel quite often and keep things that serve as matches quite close to me. I know that when I’m in the dark I can call to mind Scripture that I’ve read, theological truths that have been implanted in my heart, help from the church (all 2,000 years of her history), and identity shaping gospel promises. These are my matches. They give me just enough light to see for a moment before the darkness overtakes them.

Perhaps God allows the night so that I long for the day. There will be a day when there are no more dark rooms and I am able to see the Lord for who He is. I’ll know then who I am too. And his outstretched arms will never be interpreted for a forthcoming throw to the mat—instead I’ll know they are love.

I’m content hanging on to my bed post in darkness praying that the darkness doesn’t overtake me, so long as I know that morning is coming. I take great encouragement from FLAME’s moving exhortation, “Hold On, He’s Strong, Hold On, He’s Strong, Our God is a Warrior”. He’s fighting the darkness. I can’t see Him but He is. And He’ll make sure that morning comes, even when it seems like the darkness may have gotten the upper hand.

I’m hanging on until morning.

Just Be There

If you have ever struggled with depression, or loved someone who has, please read this piece by Annie Lee Edwards - How to Love Your Depressed Friend. If you've been depressed, you'll say amen. If you've tried to help a depressed loved one, you'll learn something important.

It was a forced friendship from the beginning. Boldly, she announced that every single Wednesday she would be coming to my house. I could see her resolve. I was scared, and I started to squirm. Every Wednesday? Generally, I leave this thing open ended, “penciled in,” if you will. In other words, I rarely do firm “commitments.” After all, what if I need to change my mind? Somehow, she must have known my propensity at changing plans and calling in sick.

She needed a lot from me, and I was not prepared to give it. I timidly opened the door every Wednesday, and she walked in.

Chances are you know someone who is struggling with depression. She may be living under your own roof or sitting in the pew next to you.

“What can we do when a loved one is wrestling with depression,” you ask?

Often we want to run onto the scene and “fix them.” Give us a list so we can check it off and instantly transform this unpleasant forecast to sunny days. If only it were that easy.

Bringing the Light of Christ

I’m persuaded that sometimes the best thing we can do is nothing more than to sit and be with them. No formula, just the power of presence. What if the most profound, life-giving thing about us is our transformed and transforming presence?

Jesus entered into our darkness (John 1:14). Love opened the door and walked into our world so we could walk into the light (John 1:4). He was present with us in order to lead us to redemption.

We all want to be the friend on sunny days, but it is uncomfortable to enter into broken places where the sun refuses to shine and the shadows incessantly come out to play.
However, as followers of Jesus this is exactly where we are called to be, present with people in their suffering. You have something that everybody needs – light (not the light of our own deceptive morality, but the light from heaven, the light of the Lord Jesus Christ). However, the light cannot be seen if it does not make itself available.

Draw Near with Tears, Not Many Words

By definition, a depressed person is often plagued with an uninvited irrationality about them. In other words, their minds (at least in that state) don’t have the full capacity to rightly think and reason. Thus, words and speeches are frequently of no avail. In the immediate, giving them your compassionate tears, not your words, is often the best approach. It’s not that they don’t want to hear and believe; it’s that they can’t.

Those who feel like they are suffocating from the weight of darkness may be unable to move towards your advances in friendship. An almost certain accompaniment with any legitimate depression is the tendency to withdraw from relationships (even from those people whom we love and respect the most dearly).

Do not take this personally. I literally have hidden under tables so my friends could not see I was home. Please do not be offended when a depressed person doesn’t return a text or phone call (or doesn’t answer the door). These hurt feelings or anger at the depressed person are exactly what Satan wants from you. He wants you to be offended by the cold shoulder, leading you to run from your friend. Christ, on the other hand, wants you to realize this is not a battle against flesh and blood. He wants you to take up the sword and fight for your friend (even if the other person is sleeping in their own tears, or hiding in their own shame and fear, while you are fighting).

During an episode of post-partum depression, I hid in the shadows because it was embarrassing for church members to see me so weak and miserable. I am grateful to those women who brought meals to me and came to sit with me every day until I started to come back to life. My mother stayed for almost an entire month. When my husband had to be at work, women from our church came each and every day to just be with me. I was scared to be alone. Although they could not protect me from the monster of depression, just their presence helped immensely.

You may need to do whatever is necessary to show them the love of Christ as they walk through this darkness. Your friend may not answer the door or act excited to hang out with you, but go through the door anyway, and when you do, open the door of grace. Chances are, your friend has been opening many doors searching for a way out of this darkness, but all they have experienced are doors of doubt and defeat slammed in their face.

God can use you as a means of light in the darkness of your friend’s soul, if only you are willing to be the Christ-infusing presence she needs as she walks through depression.

HT: CBMW

Depression - Suffering Service

Depression (medical and spiritual) is a subject the church has just got to start facing and addressing. The testimony of the Warrens after their sons' recent death has helped bring this to the fore. Peter Hughes at The Briefing has written a good piece on the subject - The first paragraphs are below.

Life is pretty good at the moment. I have three great kids. My marriage is going well. We planted a church a few years ago, and we are starting to get some traction. The problems we have are because of growth. All in all, this is one of those seasons people dream about. Life is good.

And yet…

I feel like there’s a weight around my neck, a fog blanketing me. People seem to talk slowly, and my brain functions on just two cylinders. I go to sleep okay at night, but I am awake again at 4am, and by the time I get out of bed I will still be tired. A cup of coffee clears the mist for an hour or two, but then I am back deeper in it than before. Little problems are starting to feel insurmountable, and I often wonder, “Can I deal with this?” My wife is loving and attractive and yet I don’t feel the desire to express this to her. I read the Bible and the word ‘joy’ is an alien idea, and I feel I have almost forgotten what it’s like to laugh.

In short, I am suffering from depression.1

The good news for me is I understand why this is happening. I know it will end soon, but others suffering from depression will be unable to see the end. The bad news is that once I am through this, I know it will happen again, and again, and again.2

At some point in their lives, around one in five people in Australia, the United Kingdom and the United States will suffer from depression. Though I don’t have the statistics, I suspect that that figure is higher in churches.3 It will affect different people in different ways, with different causes, but it is a growing problem.

Despite this, we aren’t good at talking about it in our churches—at least not good enough. There is a fear that if I’m not living a life of ‘joy’ then there’s something wrong with me. If I can’t serve like everyone else in church then something’s wrong with me. If I’m depressed, I’m not really a Christian. But by looking at what the Bible has to say about depression and what it says to the person who has depression, we see that in fact looking at depression helps us appreciate and see the glory of God even more vividly....

This is a good article. He applies the Song of the Suffering Servant in Isaiah 52:13- 53:12 to our struggles with depression. I recommend it for your reading and consideration..
 

Piper on the Gifts

Is the Holy Spirit undervalued in evangelical and reformed churches? Here's Dr. John Piper on Are There More Gifts for You to Unwrap?

I have been around long enough to know that there are seasons when the Holy Spirit is over attended to. And there also are seasons when he is under attended to.

If you are asking me about right now, I would say that he is probably under attended to somewhere. Maybe in young, reformed and restless circles—or whatever this movement is called. Especially as it concerns the fullness of the work of the Holy Spirit. Not his role in effectual calling, but his gifts. His necessity for powerful witness. 'Wait in Jerusalem until the Holy Spirit comes upon you... You will receive the Holy Spirit and you will be my witnesses.' So maybe we are underemphasizing the necessity and the power of the Holy Spirit for witnessing.

Also, I was just thinking the other day that we downplay the work of Holy Spirit in terms of his varied gifts. This is underemphasized too much in our reformed churches, and in typical evangelical churches.

Here is an illustration. If you've been praying for a person, or maybe even for yourself, to be delivered from a sin or sickness. And if that moral or physical issue hasn't yielded to your prayer for years, but you still struggle from the moral or physical ailment, there are a few things to consider......

....Here's what hit me the other day. If there are gifts of healing. If there are gifts of faith, gifts of miracles, gifts of discernment. That means some Christians are going to be granted answers to those prayers where others aren't. So maybe the reason I'm not getting the answer to my moral struggle or my physical struggle is because I haven't asked Jane to pray for me. And Jane has the gift of healing. Or Jane has the gift of discernment of spirits and can see something here that needs to be seen.

Dark Times

Do Christians have dark times- periods of depression and even despair?

Yes, yes, unfortunately yes. One of my favorite bloggers, C. Michael Patton at Parchment and Pen, is going through one now, and opened up for his readers in this transparent, emotionally raw post.

It is a very dark time in my life. I don’t know how else to describe it. About three or four weeks ago I changed. I don’t know how to describe this to you. Either I attempt to comfort you and preempt any sorrow by saying it is not really that bad and understate my circumstance, or I catalogue my thoughts to you with the possibility of misunderstanding and dread. All I can say is that I have had some sort of mental breakdown. My strength is gone. Depression? Certainly. Anxiety? Definitely. Fighting with the Lord? Most assuredly. All I know is that I broke a few weeks ago and I don’t know how to fix myself. All of the advice that I have given to broken people over the years is now pointed back at me and I realize how empty it can be.

Christians are not immune from hard times and down times, or even from clinical depression. It does us no good to pretend otherwise. King David had such times (just read the Psalms), Jeremiah had them, Martin Luther had them, C.H. Spurgeon had them. I've had them, and you have had them, whether you will admit it to your Christian friends or not.   Let's be real, people!

If our theology does not allow for depression and periods of darkness for believers, then perhaps something is wrong with our theology.Yes, there is a spiritual joy from the Lord that comes even in the midst of sorrow, but the sorrow can still be very real, and sometimes very inexplicable. Exhortations to just "rejoice in the Lord," however well meant, sometimes just do not cut it.

I think there are some aspects of the love and mercy of God that can only be understood through (and after) these dark times. The God who is most revealed in the darkness of the crucifixion of His Son also seems to show himself more clearly to the beaten man in the mud by the side of the Jericho road. Our dark times may be a form of His severe mercy.

But that realization doesn't make it any more fun to go through.

BTW, if you see this, Michael, I'm praying for you.